STANDING UP AND GOING ON – THE FAERIEWOOD WAY

Well, what can I say? I’ve neglected my blog for a very long time. But I do believe I have had a good reason.  Sometimes life just gets away from you and leaves you in a little bundle of nothingness, not able to reach out to other people and to function normally.

Last year in October disaster struck.  I had to say goodbye to my partner of 16 years and husband of 7.  Johan suddenly passed away after a heart attack on Saturday, 18 October.  What devastation it was on my poor soul and my life!  Even though he was sick for seven long years with bone marrow cancer, his death came so suddenly… And I realised that you can never be prepared for the death of someone you love.  It is devastation upon devastation and it leaves you unable to function normally for a long long time.

I went into a sort of a holding pattern, just keeping everything going, but not doing much.  I thought the new year would give me the opportunity to get up and get going.  Just to be visited by another spectre I didn’t expect.  I was diagnosed with cancer and had to undergo six weeks of rigorous radiation treatment.

Dear God, what more will happen to me?  This was my cry for days and weeks while I struggled with the side-effects of the radiation and tried to keep going for my horses’ sake, my granddaughter’s sake and my own sake.

That is now all over.  I beat cancer, although I will for a long time to come have to battle the “left over” effects of the treatment.  Now I can focus on my horses again.  And what blessings they are, not only to me, but to others!

I sold two fillies – Faeriewood Ayla to Madelein Vosloo and Faeriewood Aurelie to Charly – a young girl who had wanted a Friesian since the first time she saw the majestic horses.  Faeriewood Xanna is also with Madelein.  So, we’re moving out into life and hopefully we’ll soon be taking part in shows again.  My aim is next year.

The Baroque Pinto program was put on hold, but I hope to start that this coming season.  And hopefully Lancelot and Lilly, my two miniature horses, will give me a foal.  They’ve been at it often enough!

There is hope and there is life and while we have those, we’ll move forward, little by little, baby steps at first and stronger and stronger as time goes on.

Watch this space and rejoice with us that we were given a new lease on life and new energy and strength to carry on.

We remain proud Riders for the Son!!

I

MOVING ON – FAERIEWOOD’S FUTURE AWAITS!

I have been idle for a year. Well, almost a year. It was something like hibernation and the time is here to finally wake up and move on. Much has happened in the past year, so it was not a total waste of time. I completed my first year of study for an equine behaviourist and I am busy with the advanced course. I have learnt much and I am thankful for that. I have also made wonderful friends, for which I’m even more thankful. My last post ended with a cryptic “watch this space”.
Well, it is time to find out why you’ve been asked for almost a whole year to “watch this space”!
Faeriewood Friesians will now have two other components – Barock Pintos and miniature therapy horses.
To reach the dream of breeding Barock Pintos I got coverings with Zerro, Far Hills Pintado Stud’s imported Tobiano Warmblood stallion. So, in a year’s time I will have my first Barock Pinto babies to show off. I guess that entails a bit more of “watching this space”, but I’m sure it will be worthwhile!
As for the miniature therapy horses – that is another dream. A dream to fullfil the promise I made to use my horses to reach out to people who need it. Next year, God willing, I will start to study with the Equine Assisted Psychotherapy Institute of South Africa (EAPISA) so that I can use my horses to help people who desperately need solace, therapy, a gentle hand and lots of love. Especially horsey love. The miniature horses are perfect for this. They have lovely temperaments and being small, they’re not intimidating or scary. The last thing you want to do to a person with issues, is scare them to death with a 17hh behemoth! So, near the end of last year Domino, a 7-year-old pinto mini gelding joined us and wormed himself into our hearts with his cheeky nature and gentleness. About a month ago 10-year-old Lancelot (stallion) and 2-year-old Lilly (mare) joined us. Lancey is lovely and tame, but Lilly has trust issues, so we’ll sort that out and use her as an example that it is worthwhile to trust new people and embrace new adventures.
What will also happen within the next month is that we’ll get a brand new and beautiful website! Thanks to Audrey Moolman of Far Hills. She offered to help me with the website and we’re almost done!
I have also embarked on an almost impossible task – sorting out my house and garden.
Oh boy!!
What a job!
This mammoth project should be finished in about a month.
I’m known for being an optimist…..
I would like to get people to come to the farm, have their family, wedding and other pictures taken with the horses and enjoy some time away from the city.
This, however, is a long term project. How long term?? Gosh, I dunno…. we’ll see. But definitely more than a month!
Okay, the past year.
Well, Johan has been through a lot of chemotherapy late last year. This year he was part of a clinical trial and we’re still busy with the aftermath of that. He is doing very well, but will have to be on a maintenance medication for the rest of his life. The bone marrow cancer is lurking. We have to put it to sleep. It will never go away, but we’ll keep it subdued.
As for my horses – well, the bunch is as happy as can be. I’ll post pictures again as soon as they don’t look like woolly mammoths any more. I gave my mares a season off and now we’ll begin to prepare for them to be artificially inseminated with Zerro’s semen.
We’re optimimistic. We look to the future with faith. We know we are blessed and plan to reach out and share our blessings with other people!!

THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED

We’re halfway through 2013 and a new road lies before our feet. Last year was my “annus horibilis” – a year I never want over again! It was a time of intense pain, loss, fear, confusion and disaster. I’ll go over it very superficially because nobody wants to dwell on the negative. In June last year I underwent ankle surgery after Barbara accidentally knocked me over and stood on my left ankle, severing and damaging the tendons terribly. During the surgery I stopped breathing, and nearly died. The surgery and after effect of the not breathing spell left me sick and weak for several weeks. I was just back on my feet or Johan had to undergo surgery for a hernia. And shortly after that he started complaining about pain in his hips, which sent up running to his haematologist, Dr Jackie Thomson. Shock and horror – Johan has developed Plasmacitosis from the bone marrow cancer and his hip bones were severely affected. Cancer again!! Hospitals again! Radiation treatment and chemotherapy again! No God, please!! Why?? Shortly after this he bumped his left arm – and it cracked. Ordinary people would have had a bruise. Johan broke his arm and had to undergo surgery to insert a pin. He was home for a few weeks and then the next disaster struck. He fell and shortly afterwards started complaining about back pain. It got so bad that he had to walk with crutches. One horrible day he turned, leaning on a crutch, and his right upper arm snapped like a twig. I rushed him, screaming with pain, to the Pretoria East hospital. After an extensive MRI scan the horrible truth hit us – a vertebra in his back had collapsed and was pressing against the spinal column. His bones were badly eroded from the bone marrow cancer. A pin was inserted into his right arm from the shoulder to the elbow and he underwent an extensive back operation. Just as he was home – actually the Monday after he got home, I went out to deworm the horses and found Timo’s stable empty. Now what?? Running back home I heard something in Oepke’s camp and stable and the most horrifying scene greeted me – Timo had broken into Oepke’s camp and was biting and kicking him to bits. Oepke was a mass of bleeding and torn flesh. As I tried to get Oepke out of the camp and away from Timo, he grabbed my left arm in his mouth and bit me. Pain and panic and fear and shock made him lash out at the first thing he could find – me. The vet was summoned to patch Oepke up and I was rushed to hospital. Oepke recovered quickly and well. I was not so lucky – I ended up in hospital with severe infection in my arm. But eventually I started getting better and we could move on.
In the meantime Melissa Strydom and Roxanne Vorster had come to help us through this very difficult time in our lives. They took over the horses, the household and many of the tasks I just couldn’t face anymore. I was a mess. Broken, anxiety stricken, severely depressed. Due to all this Johan and I decided to sell the horses, our farming equipment, cattle – everything. We started 2013 on a very low note. Everything was going to pieces – especially us.
I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for treatment. During my stay there Madonna and Anouk were sold and Oepke and Veon went to Friesenprag stables outside Pretoria to be schooled and ultimately sold. In June Ciara, Cheval, Abrielle and Jondalar went to their new home with Hannes Beaurain and his family, a couple of kilometres from us. Xanna went to Stella to fill the hole in her heart left by the older Xanna’s death.

The horses that remained with us are Timo, Valerie, Barbara, Emmerins, Klara, Rozaan, Amiga (Klara’s foal), orphaned Zoltan and Maya, Tanyica’s pony.
Then I got a message on Facebook – Valerie will be moving a new home soon ….
And …..
then the clouds moved away and a ray of bright sunlight broke through – a new direction for Faeriewood Friesians and our horses!! It will be a road not travelled before, but it will be exciting! More am I not going to say, except ……. WATCH THIS SPACE!!

THE STORY OF ZOLTAN, THE COLT NAMED ‘LIFE’

Zoltan was in all respects a surprise. The vet had said he was only due in December, but on 6 October he entered the world. His mom, Minke, was not well since she became pregnant and we just didn’t know what to do. She lost condition, was lethargic, her temperature spiked every now and then, but nothing really helped – antibiotics didn’t work, more food, nothing really made a difference. We weren’t at home, but Andre and Martie, who looked after the farm did a wonderful job looking after mom and baby. MArtie named him Zoltan, which in Hungarian, means life. How appropriate that name would be we only realised later. MArtie had to help Zoltan to find his mom’s teats and at first it didn’t look like she had a lot of milk, but after a few hours he was suckling strongly and looking well. A second disaster nearly struck when Barbara, the biggest mare on the farm, kicked Zoltan and knocked him unconcious for a few minutes. BUt he is a little fighter and he got stronger by the day. MInke wasn’t doing so well, even with all the care we couldl give her. SHe got supplements, we again put her on antibiotics, but her temperature continued to spike and she did not gain weight, no matter what we did. We dewormed her yet again, hoping to solve the problem that way and a large number of large round worms did come out. BUt still she didn’t thrive. I was worried sick. AT times she was panting and the only thing that helped was to hose her down. THe vet came out to test the stallions for CEM and examined her as well, but even he couldn’t find anything wrong. SHe ate well, but her coat was rough, and she was painfully thin.
Then, last week Friday, 23 Novvember, disaster struck. Minke died. WE’re not sure from what. SHe was found with grass still in her mouth, but she was extremely pale. ZOltan was distraught and so were we. He was only six weeks old. Dependent on his mom and now she was gone. He cried real tears when he was taken away from her dead body and so were Mel, Rox the grooms and Johan, who had to do it. NOw what? How do you raise a six week old foal? He couldn’t be alone, so we put him with Tanyica’s little pony, Maya. HE refused to suckle from a bottle, so we had to almost forcefeed him. We gave him electrolytes, he grazed well and drank water. His survival instinct kicked in and he did well. Some days he was sad and depressed, but Mel and Rox spent as much time as possible with him, cuddling him, caring for him, feeding him. It is now almost a week since he lost his mom. MY heart still breaks for him and I often sit there with tears in my eyes, thinking about his massive loss and how bravely he is trying to handle it and to thrive despite being an orphan. FOllow his story with us as we try to help him adapt to being without his mom. HE was aptly named. HE has a will to live …. our little Zoltan!!!!

MILO FOR THE SOUL

“We are destined to go as far in life as the will in our hearts and the strength of our spirits can take us.”

I don’t know who wrote this.  It is the inscription on a fridge magnet I bought recently and it pictures a herd of horses against a lovely blue mountain in the background.  What I do know is that the words are so very true and every time I read it, it resounds in my heart, filling me with the wonderful potential it holds and promises.  We are our own worst enemies when it comes to realising our dreams.  Why?  Is it that we’re so scared of failing we give up before we’ve even tried?  I guess that could be the answer to one of life’s taunting questions.  Can’t we see the sun because we’re looking at our own shadows?  I think so.  Actually I believe it.  If we can overcome ourselves and our fears, we can accomplish anything we set for ourselves as a goal.

I need to take stock today of the past five years, since I bought my first Friesian foal, the beautiful Ceaser, who died so tragically.  It has been a rough and tough couple of years.  Johan and I were on a see-saw of emotions, problems, battling his cancer, trying to survive the emotional devastation visited upon us by that harrowing disease and its treatment.  We had to sell our farm because he just couldn’t keep up, so broken was he in body and spirit.  He survived the cancer but nearly lost the battle against the emotional fallout from the treatment.  Now, almost exactly five years later, he is so full of life and happiness and fire for the future… What a miracle!!

Through the times of pain, illness, sadness, despair and devastation run a few golden threads.  All of them come together in one place – the stables.  Through everything my horses brought me comfort and friends.  And my horses were given to me by my great and merciful God.  He planted the first seeds in my heart when I was a toddler of just over two years old and sat for the first time on a horse.  He ignited the passion in my heart that became Faeriewood Friesians and He gave me my horses, one by one.  A couple He needed to take back, for whatever reason.  It is enough to know that He had a reason for it.  My Lord will not send me pain and sadness without also offering the means to make it better for me and all around me.

I have been blessed with friends in all shapes and guises.  On Facebook I “met” some of the most amazing people ever.  There’s my soul sister, Dinki, and her two daughters, who love and support me and keep me going with messages every morning.  My instructor and friend, Marie, who helped me to regain my confidence after a very bad fall off a horse.  My young friends, Sheree and Stella, who surround me with life and love and happiness.  When I think of them I see sunlight.  Sheree is my tinkling faerie light.  Stella is my bouncing ball of light.  Between them they keep me on a road of love and happiness.  There’s Dirk.  My pillar of strength and the one who keeps me calm and understand, sometimes more than words can say.  He sat with me at the hospital last year when the devastating diagnosis of cancer again came our way.  He held me when I cried for Johan, feeling so lost and lonely that I didn’t know if I had the strength to continue.  He knows himself what it feels like to be reviled and misunderstood.  He knows the pain of fighting against people who has nothing on their minds and in their hearts but to cause intense pain and unhappiness.  I can’t skip mentioning Katriena, Elias, Grace, David and Samuel, our farm workers.  Between them they take care of the horses, the house, the dogs, parrots, cats and us.  God handpicked them for their love and generosity of spirit.  I salute them each and all today – my friends and companions.  Then there’s Johan.  My beloved.  Who fights with me, praises me, loves me, cares for me, encourages me, bullies me, and who works tirelessly to help me realise my dreams.  How do you thank someone who gives so much?  How do you explain to anyone how precious someone is to you?  I can’t.  I can only, humbly, say thank you my love.  I salute your courage and will to carry on.  May God shower blessings upon you.

So, you may ask, what has all of this to do with horses?  What is this then?  Well, you see, without all these people my dream of a Friesian stud would have been nothing but a puff of smoke in the wind.  Each one of these people, by believing in me and carrying me in their hearts, contribute on a daily basis to my dreams.  They’re the golden threads who meet at the stables and become the wonderful shining light that my horses are in my life.

I started with two seven-month-old colts – Ceaser and Achilles.  Second came one-year-old Timo Vee and seven-month-old Valerie.  Timo captured my heart immediately like no other horse had ever done.  And to this day there’s a special bond between us.

And so, little by little, sometimes half a step forward and three steps back, I started living my dream.  I knew less than nothing and had to ask, read, learn, make mistakes, struggle against despair.  But today I have a Friesian stud.  When I look through the window I see black horses.  Mares swelling with foals, two gorgeous stallions… Oh dear God, I’m so blessed!!

This morning I put my hands on Madonna’s belly and I could feel the gentle movements of her foal.  She and I have a special bond, like Timo and I.  From September I’ll be on “foal watch”.  I can’t wait.  I can’t wait to go to shows again.  I wanted to start with Bloemfontein show this year, but it did not work out.  But I’m not giving up.  I’ll keep on pushing, dreaming, planning.  I have a destiny, a dream and I’ll keep on dreaming, living to fulfil my destiny.  God gave me passion and love and an ability.  In humble gratitude I have to live it.

Thank You, God.  Thank You.  I will not let my self-invented limitations stand in the way of my destiny.

I want to invite you, who are reading this, to reach out and embrace your dreams.  And please, once again, share with me the beauty of my horses.

FAERIEWOOD DREAMS

There’s a special time of the day when thoughts flow freely and dreams take form and become almost reality.

That is also the time when I love to go say goodnight to my horses.  To hug their strong necks, look into their gentle eyes and smell the sweetness of their bodies and the hay in their stables.

Then my soul soars.  I thank God for the miracle of working with horses, of being the custodian of their precious lives.  That’s when I realise how fortunate I am to be living a dream.

Thank you Lord Jesus.  Thank you.  I’m a Rider for the Son.  I live to serve.

Good night my angels.  Good night.  I love each of you with an intensity that breaks my heart and makes me soar like an eagle.

FAERIEWOOD CHEVAL AND OTHER PICTURES

It has been a while since I posted and it is not because little has been happening! On the contrary…. We’re having a busy, blessed year.  I have eight pregnant mares, little Cheval is growing up to be a beautiful colt and even Tyra’s feet are looking better and better!  Rita’s COPD is sort of under control, although she still coughs a bit.  She’s at the moment on two (human) asthma pumps, which works perfectly for her!  We’ve been having extremely dry and hot weather and it has taken its toll on my poor horses.  They’re tired at night, although they have ample shade in their camps. 

Oepke has gained a lot of weight, which is good.  He could do with a bit of condition.  Timo is as gentle and loving as ever.  We just had two hair raising incidents involving the two of them.  In December Timo got out of his camp and levelled the barbed wire fence into Oepke’s camp and the two of them climbed into each other with gusto.  My heart nearly stopped!  I shouted for Timo to come to me and, thank God, my darling stallion listened.  I managed to slip his halter on and ran with him to his stable.  Neither had any serious injuries, which was nothing short of a miracle.  About two weeks ago, the weekend grooms left a gate open to Timo’s camp and of course he used the opportunity to go challenge Oepke again.  I saw him running up and down outside Oepke’s camp and again called him to me.  I flung my arms around his neck and stood there, talking to him while Johan ran to fetch his bridle.  My darling stood still!  He didn’t move while my arms were around his neck, although Oepke was performing up and down the fence and the mares were in the camp opposite him.  What a blessing that horse is!! Gentle natured, kind, considerate … I’m absolutely in love with him! 

Let me load a couple of pictures.  Hopefully it will work.  I’ve been having endless problems with my internet on the farm.  It is just too slow to load pictures with!  But here goes!! Enjoy with me the wonder of my horses!

Timo and I – the princess and her horse!

Isn’t he beautiful?

Like something from a fairytale!

What gentle eyes he has!

He will gently take care of me, always!

Happiness is….

Cheval pestering mom, Klara, the most patient and dedicated mom I’ve ever seen!! She’s a star!  Cheval is now three months old and a happy, healthy, playful colt.

What a beautiful pictures of mom and son!

Who says horses don’t belong in the house?  Ciara was more than happy to join us inside!  She’s growing up to be a stunning little lady.  Long, slender legs, beautiful neck and head and a personality unmatched!  She’s a friendly, loving, happy girl!

THE WEDDING

Last Saturday, 10 March, we had a very special occassion at Faeriewood!  Hopefully the first of many. A bride, pretty like in a fairytale, had her pictures taken with Timo.  Specially for the occassion, we ordered a bridle from Baroque Tack in Germany.  Sandra Jancke makes the most beautiful baroque style tack!! So, our white bridle arrived in time for the bride and Saturday afternoon a shady glade was tranformed into a fairytale setting.  From early my dear friend, Sheree Boshoff, and I scrubbed Timo and combed mane and tail, brushed his coat until it shone like a black mirror. 

Finally, with the setting sun, arrived the bride and her groom.  The following are just a taste of the pictures we took.  I’ll post more later.  Enjoy them with us and marvel at the joy and magic horses bring to people’s lives. 

 

Until later, may the fairytale continue and horses canter through your dreams!!

 

HAPPINESS IS…..

A newborn foal!!!

It is a beautiful summer day.  The sky is that almost fragile blue, the grass is a perfect shade of summer green and a slight breeze is blowing.  It is also sweltering hot.  But I am in seventh heaven.  After anxious weeks and late nights of checking on her, early morning of running to the stables dressed in my pyjamas, gum boots and a jacket, Klara’s foal was born early Sunday morning.

On Saturday night as we stabled the horses I could see that Klara was uncomfortable.  She kept on moving from one back leg to the other, her udder was very very full and she just had THAT look about her.  I kept on running out to the stable throughout the evening, but eventually the Sandman caught up with me and I fell asleep.  Sunday morning around 5:30 I woke up with a start, jumped out of bed, grabbed my cell phone and almost ran to the stables.  Only Rita was standing at the gate and I just knew!  When I walked into the stable, the tiny, perfect little foal was standing next to Klara!  I gasped.  He was so absolutely perfect in every way – pitch black with an elegant little neck and long, long legs ending in tiny little hooves.  I phoned Johan, who was still in bed. I took pictures and sms’d all my close friends and I posted it on Facebook.  I was overjoyed!

He was still wet and very unsteady on his feet, but the minute I talked to him and he heard my voice, he whinnied.  I often stood next to Klara when she was pregnant and talked to the foal, telling him/her how much I was looking forward to its birth and how much I loved it.  When I talked to him after his birth, he recognised my voice, answered me and was immediately attached to me.  He willingly came to me, allowed me to touch him all over his tiny body and followed me around the stable.  He sucked my fingers as I guided his hungry little mouth to his mom’s engorged udder.  Those moments were so very very special and I thank and praise God for the miracle after the heartsore and pain of Rita’s foal’s death.

And so Faeriewood Cheval entered our lives.  A perfect little colt, lively, playful and always ready for a cuddle.

Sunday night our good friend, Dirk, came over to share in the joy and he and I spent time talking to Cheval and Klara, cuddling the little colt and just marvelling in the beauty and wonder of life.

Klara is in perfect condition and I’m happy that I followed the advice of Margie of Grande Roux Feeds in Heidelberg and put her on a special concentrate for pregnant and lactating mares.

My other horses are doing great.  My wonderful young friends, Stella de Wet and Sheree Boshoff came to visit. Stella would have stayed only a weekend.  In the end she stayed more than two weeks!  Sheree was here for a week and the three of us had a wonderful time working with the horses, riding, chatting, sharing stories and just being.  Thank you girls, for your wonderful company, friendship and willingness to share your lives with me.

Stella formed a special bond with Oepke, while Sheree’s darling still is Timo Vee.  Well, she was here when he arrived at Faeriewood and she helped to raise him!  So, no real surprise there!   I have started riding Madonna.  What a joy she is!  Gentle, yet willing.  I will put pictures on as and when I get a moment.  Sadly our internet connection on the farm can be a bit temperamental!

Oh my Lord, thank you for all the blessings I receive from Your generous Hand!  I think I’m one of the most blessed people on earth!

 

 

NOT ONLY SADNESS AND TEARS

My previous post is a sad one, a very very sad one.  Rita’s little foal that we all looked forward to so much, died shortly after birth.  We don’t know why, but even if we did, it will not bring him back.  On Thursday our vet, Dr Louis, diagnosed Rita with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, or equine asthma.  I think the shortness of breath and closed us lungs she had at times could have contributed to the little one’s death.  She will skip a season, sleep in a camp with adequate shelter and be treated in an attempt to get her over the COPD.  It can’t be cured, but it can be managed.  And I plan to do just that.

Klara’s date is around the 29th of November.  After today she’ll be watched like a hawk.  And pampered.

We’ve had a busy time recently.  It was breeding season and the mares came into oestrus one after the other.  Timo and Oepke didn’t complain, believe me!! I didn’t have the guts to do hand coverings, so the mares were put with the stallions I want to breed them with and we allowed nature to take its course, albeit under a watchful eye!  All went well and in about a month’s time we’ll know if we had been successful, or rather, whether the stallions had been successful.

This coming week will be one of excitement.  My good friend, Stella de Wet, is coming to visit.  She, sadly also recently lost a newborn Friesian foal and her first mare, Xanna.  We think Xanna was bitten by a snake and her leg just kept on festering, the hoof fell off, the new one stopped growing and started rotting and Stella had to make a very very difficult decision – does she keep Xanna alive and possibly in pain or does she set her free.  She took the heart breaking decision to set Xanna free and all of us who knew Xanna, are still mourning her.

But it is not only sadness and tears.  There’s lots of laughter, happiness and sparkling moments as well.  Like when I have to run Timo past the mares to his stable over weekends.  He is young, big, strong and a real show-off.  I’m not so young, bigger than I should be, most certainly not as strong as he is and in no mood to show off when I have to run like hell to keep up with him!

Emmerins’ skin condition has cleared up and her mane is growing out very nicely.  Actually, all the horses are looking very well!  Ciara has grown so much, it is unbelievable!  Veon is a real sucker for love and attention and crawls under my arm and into my face at every opportunity he gets!

It has been terribly hot and dry and the grass was slow to grow, leading to anxious moments for me.  But since Friday the heavens have opened up and we’ve had glorious rain.  As I’m sitting here writing it is again coming down, with the accompanying thunder and lightning.

Tanyica got a pony, little Maya.  She’s a feisty lady!  The grooms call her Shorty and I call her Chillibite.  She’s bitten almost everybody, kicked us, stepped on our toes, chased us with flattened ears.  But when Tanyica is on her back, she is calm.  Yes, I lead her.  I make sure than I have her in hand very firmly.  She’s a cute cute little body!!

I so badly want to go to shows again.  Not only for the excitement, but to fullfil my promise to God – to reach out to other people as a Rider for the Son.  So, I’m hoping and praying that next year will be my year of grace as far as shows go.  That I’ll be able to go, do well and reach out to as many people as I can.  By carrying out God’s word, I can make sense of this world and the pain we sometimes have to deal with.

Despite sadness and pain, we’re blessed.  God is looking after each and everyone of us.  We praise him for it!!

ON THE DEATH OF A NEWBORN FOAL

30 October 2011

My dearest Rita

Today should have been such a joyous day, a day of celebration and happiness. Instead I’m writing this with an achingly empty feeling in my heart. This morning you gave birth to a beautiful little colt, but soon afterwards he died. I’m not sure why. I have theories, but no theory, no knowledge will bring him back. Tonight he should have come prancing next to you into the stable, you making little sounds in your throat to direct him. Instead you came in alone.

Johan and I had to take his tiny body away from you. It broke my heart when you sniffed him over for a last time. I could only stand back, allowing you a last moment with him. For eleven months you carried him, nurturing him. Now you had to say goodbye.

I know what it feels like – losing a child. I know the feeling of emptiness and loss. Some will say that you’re just a dumb animal, what do you know about loss. But in your eyes I could see that you understood that he was not there anymore. He was gone. Tomorrow your udder will be big and painful. Where a sweet little mouth should have been, sucking away lustily, will be pain and discomfort. Please be patient, it will get better, I promise.

For the past few days I’ve been checking on you day and night. The anticipation like a cloak I wore against the world. Tonight that cloak has been torn. It is ragged with pain and sadness. I was hoping against all hope that your foal would give Johan a sense of hope. He has been so sad and depressed lately. But you know about it – you know how many times I’ve sat in your stable, or in Timo’s or one of the others, crying, praying, begging God for a miracle. For hope, for happiness and laughter to return to Johan. Many times you’ve pressed your gentle face against my hands or into my hair, trying to console me. And every time I’ve rested my hands on your swelling belly, dreaming dreams about the little foal that would soon be frolicking through the veld, with you anxiously in tow. Tonight he is frolicking, but in heavenly fields, watched over by Ceaser, Bea, Ryan, Xanna and Jilke.

I would have liked to have been there when he was born. I would have loved to hold him just once before he crossed the rainbow bridge. I would have loved to whisper into his tiny ears how much I love him and treasure him. I would have liked to hold him while the gentle angels claimed his spirit. I would have tried to pour enough of my life into him to save him, to see him get up, get strong and dance off on tiny hooves.

My dear, lovely mare, I love you and your herd mates so much. I cherish you all so much. You make my life so rich and happy when I look into your eyes, feel your soft skins under my hands and feel your warm breaths blow against my face.

I’m sorry, Rita, that I was not strong enough to save him. That I didn’t know what to do to make sure he would be okay. I will try my best to make sure you get well again. I will do everything in my power to help you and maybe, just maybe we will have another little angel from you, but this time he will stay with us, grow big, proud and strong.

As always Rita, I’m your loving companion, caretaker and friend. Antoinette